Sometimes the bottom falls out. Sometimes the tears that you think should've stopped by now... Don't.
Sometimes you feel so alone, even in a house full of people who love you.
Sometimes it's just too damn hard to keep looking for that elusive "bright side" .
Sometimes you feel so lost , that you fear you might never be found.
It's so good to be back. To feel like writing again; like singing again; and like I have something to say that someone may want to hear.
My last relapse that landed me in the hospital on March 4th made the bottom fall out for me.
Not only did it put me back on my ass in a hospital bed again, but during that time I almost died; found out that my third attempt at a treatment - the one I thought was really gonna work this time- isn't working; and on top of it all, my neurologists have admitted maybe they are treating the wrong disease, that MS treatments aren't working because it's not actually MS.
There are no more treatments available for me to try. We have reached a very discouraging point in this journey for me.
As I write this I'm being pumped full of a chemo drug, which feels pointless to me because it is the treatment that has failed me twice now; But without another option... here I am.
I am going for more tests to try to determine if this is a different auto-immune disease- that perhaps I have been misdiagnosed .
There are other things that sadden me on a daily basis that those closest to me know of , but I won't share here.
My ship was taking on water, I got tired of bailing ,and went down with the ship for the past while.
Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel it. Let yourself cry; and live in the dark ; be alone; be quiet, push people away; be angry at life... 'Cause honestly sometimes life really sucks.
James has watched and waited during these past few weeks. He has played guitar on his own. He has let me feel what I needed to feel. For a guy who thinks he lacks patience , he is honestly one of the most patient people when it comes to me.
We sat down for the first time in almost two months last night to play music. We had FUN. We belted out "Bed Of Roses" by Bon Jovi, "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar, and "Under The Bridge" by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers... Hell yeeeeaaaah.
I recorded us on my phone and then listened to us over and over (and over again) last night with a big smile on my face.
John Lennon wrote those famous lyrics, " I get by with a little help from my friends ". And it is so true.
I got flowers delivered to my house the other day with a note saying "Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations ".
And James and I got a boost of money towards our music from my mom that we had hoped to get from playing shows , but since I got sick, and no shows were played, she surprised us the other day with the money we needed to register ourselves in the US... a roadblock that was holding us back from pitching any of our songs in Nashville. (Those lyrics should also say "we get by with a little help from our moms").
James has been booked to play on May 4th at Boston Pizza in Tillsonburg from 9-11pm... And it looks like I will actually be well enough to join him. As these shows are rare for us these days it would be amazing to see all of your friendly faces out that night . I've missed you all so much.
And though my health isn't good, and I have no answers there, I am blessed to have the support of friends and family who still believe in the music James and I create together , and that it deserves to be heard and put out into the world .
Hope to see you all on May 4th. :-)